“Should I text or call him?”
It’s one of those questions that can’t given a definitive answer, because there are so many possible variations to it.
Have you ever talked before or are you a stranger to him? Are you dating, in a relationship, or broken up? In each case, there are different arguments for why you should or should not text.
Then there’s also the question of what you want to achieve by texting or calling him. Do you want to get in touch because you feel anxious you haven’t talked much (or at all today)? Not a good idea, since you want the guy to make an effort too, otherwise it’s too one-sided on your end.
Do you want to call him on a date? Not a bad idea. If he accepts, you go on a date. If he refuses, at least you get closure and know he isn’t interested.
With that being said, here are some good and bad reasons to text or call a guy, and some of the nuances of each.
Reasons to text or call him
He texts you first and is responsive in conversations
If he sent you a message first, then it’s ok to reply to him. The real issue, however, is that him texting first means he’s interested, and now you have to figure out how you’re feeling about him.
If you’re having butterflies, then go ahead and reply and see where it takes you.
If you’re lukewarm or just so-so, you could either reply in a way that closes the conversation or chat more and see what happens. It depends on your life experiences, and what works for you romantically.
Some people only have successful relationships if they and the other person hit it off right from the start. Others don’t experience “love at first sight” and need more time and interaction before they can make the right decision.
Finally, it’s always a positive sign if he is responsive in conversations and replies on time. It’s both a sign of interest and maturity.
If you’re already undecided and notice he’s playing mind games, then it’s probably not worth pursuing something with him.
Don’t live the relationship in your head & clear the air
Sometimes, you can enter a strange dating pattern with a guy where the two of you are neither together, nor strangers. Because of this, you don’t know how to approach communicating with him.
In this case, the best approach is to just text or call him however you like, and see how he reacts.
If you’re looking for a committed relationship, then daily communication is to be expected. This doesn’t mean talking or texting at all hours of the day, but exchanging 2-3 messages and seeing how each other’s day went is to be expected, healthy even. If he’s refusing this bare minimum, it’s a clear indication he doesn’t want something serious.
A guy who is interested in you will make an effort to chat and communicate, partly because he likes you and truly wants to talk, and partly because he’s afraid that acting distant will drive you away.
In any case, if you’re in the seeing each other phase, then just text him now and then.
Some guys like to perpetuate the myth that men lose interest if a girl texts first, because you texting first forces his hand to reveal his intentions quicker.
Texting first will let you know a lot sooner if he’s using you and cut out a lot of the hurt and wasted time that comes with it.
You haven’t had a chance to talk in person, but would like to
Sometimes you meet or see a guy in real life that catches your eye and leaves you wanting to talk with him more, to see if there’s something there.
Problem is that the situation where you met or saw him was a one-off and unlikely to repeat again.
In this case, do you text him or just resign yourself that “it wasn’t meant to be”?
If the thought of you going on a date with him doesn’t give you butterflies, then it’s probably not worth the effort since it’s just a fleeting crush.
If the idea of the two of you going on a date makes you excited and all fuzzy inside, then go ahead and bend fate. Send him a text introducing yourself: “Hi [Guy’s name], I saw / met you at [event], but we didn’t have a chance to talk (much). Just wanted to introduce myself, I’m [name]!”.
Don’t force the conversation more beyond this point, he’ll take the initiative and take things further if he’s interested.
In the end, life’s too short to not take small risks like these. If your feelings are right, maybe that’s where your search for the Guy You Wanted ends. The possibility of that is worth a short sense of awkwardness.
You had a big fight, and he doesn’t want to do the first step
Sometimes you and the guy in question may actually be a couple, and the question if you should text or call him arises after a fight that leaves you wondering about the health of the relationship.
There are multiple ways to approach this question. Does the guy regularly refuse to break the stalemate after a fight? Does he always employ the silent treatment to get his way?
If yes, then it’s a sign his approach to you, and relationships in general, isn’t healthy. Consider not replying and wait for him to reach out for a change. The longer he waits, the clearer it becomes how little he’s interested in healthy relationship patterns.
The situation is different if he’s generally the constructive kind and gets in touch first after a fight. His refusal to do so this time means the fight was serious for him and hit a nerve.
If you feel you’re in this situation, then consider making the first move and call or text him first. If the fight is serious enough there’s no guarantee you’ll recover from it. But if he’s dear to you, make the first step. It’s a sign to him that you’re still invested in the relationship.
You think he’ll like you less if you text first
Simply texting a guy first will never make him like you less. On the contrary, being the first to send a message will make him even more interested in you.
This is because guys often feel they have to read between the lines to figure out if the new girl they’re going on dates with likes them or not.
Calling or sending a text message first is a clear signal that you like him. This will make him excited because now he knows there’s something there if he plays his cards right.
The only time you shouldn’t text him is if you’ve already sent him a text he hasn’t replied to yet. Nowadays most people are glued to their phones, so he’s most likely aware of your message but chooses not to see or reply to it.
Some reasons are legitimate, like him being extremely busy and not having the mental focus to write something friendly or engaging. If this is the case, he’ll reach out to you at a later date and explain (or even apologize) for his late reply.
Don’t put yourself in a situation where you feel needy or persistent. Relationships with true potential have a very organic sense of communication. There’s little to no need to force conversations because they happen on their own.
If he’s consistently late with replies or outright forgets to write back, then forget about him. He’s simply not worth your time and effort.
You’ve gone on a first date with and don’t know what to do
Have you recently gone on a first day with the guy in question? If yes, then you may be wondering if you should reach out first or wait for him to make a move.
Generally, the best approach is to just message because you don’t have anything to lose. If he liked you after the first date, he’ll like you the same (or even more) after you shoot him a text.
If you think you didn’t make a good impression on the date, texting him first can help clear the air and let you know if he’s still interested or not.
If he’s still interested, he will be an active participant in the conversation and even plan future dates.
If he’s not interested, you’ve at least obtained closure.
It’s a win-win either way.
Of course, this assumes you actually liked him and that he treated you kindly and respectfully. If he didn’t, there’s no reason to make an effort for him.
You want to set up a date
Do you want to text or call him to invite him on a date? If yes, then by all means text him.
Don’t overthink how you want to write the message. Simply ask if he wants to get a drink, or that you’ll do X activity at Y location on Z date, and ask if he could join you.
If he wants to go on a date, he’ll either accept or ask to reschedule if your chosen time doesn’t work for him.
Plus, inviting a guy on a date is an interesting way to turn the tables on him. It will definitely be something both of you will talk about in the future if the date leads to a relationship.
Reasons to NOT call or text him
You have already texted him today or feel insecure
Have you already texted him today, or even had a handful of back-and-forth messages? If the answer is “yes” and you still feel you haven’t talked “enough” this means you feel insecure and are overthinking things too much.
Ask yourself why it is that you feel that need to be connected with inane texts during the day. It is probably stemming from another insecurity about the relationship that makes you feel like the only “signal” this person likes you is if they text you constantly.
Keep in mind that some men simply aren’t the frequent texting or calling type. They make an effort to stay in touch, but they don’t carry long conversations through those mediums and generally prefer to interact in person.
You want a guy that’s 100% interested from the get go
A good reason to not text first is if you want a guy who has a “hell yes” attitude at the thought of dating you.
The idea is to avoid guys who are undecided or lukewarm. Most often this is because you’re looking for a guy who knows what he wants and makes his intentions known clearly.
Very interested guys don’t want to risk having another man catch your attention first, so they’ll make their moves and try to win you over quickly.
They won’t bombard you with messages or non-stop communication, but in general, you’ll know if he wants to go out on a date, have an idea of when he’ll get in touch, what date ideas he has, etc.
That being said, if he does call and text first, be responsive and reply back. Quality men will very quickly sense if they’re being led on or you’re playing hard to get and this will be an immediate turnoff for them.
You’re drunk or your judgment is emotionally clouded
Texting or calling him while you’re drunk (or even just tipsy) can lead you to say or do things you will regret once sober.
The same is true if you’re in an emotionally charged state. States of anger, sadness, loneliness, and even intense joy, can completely deactivate the rational part of our brains and make us say things regardless of the consequences.
That being said, it’s impossible to be 100% rational when texting or calling a guy, because the feelings you have towards him are the reason you want to contact him in the first place.
The best time to contact him is when you’re in a state of emotional and mental calm, or as close to it as possible.
You want to text your ex
To be clear, there’s nothing wrong in texting your ex and maybe hoping to rekindle the relationship.
Many relationships come back together, even after long periods of separation, and then become stronger than ever. People are complex and flawed, and most become wiser and smarter as they reflect on their experiences.
Chances are that you yourself know of couples who have gone through such situations. So why not just text him and see how it goes?
You could do that. In fact, in many situations that’s exactly what you should do. But it needs to come from the right reasons, where you’ve processed the whole relationship in and out, figured the mistakes both of you made, and how those could be fixed.
But most importantly, you have to be sure that this particular person you want to text is the right man to have in your life, but that the timing wasn’t quite right the first time around.
If those conditions are met, then go ahead and text. There’s nothing to lose.