Sometimes you can go for what feels like ages without bumping into someone who really lights your fire. Then, out of the blue, a dude shows up who just ticks all your boxes.
But just as you start getting interested, he vanishes. Stops replying, cools off, leaving you scratching your head wondering why this bummer of a situation happened. Why doesn’t the guy you’re into feel the same about you?
In the end nothing justifies simply ghosting someone. The act of ghosting is done specifically to hurt someone by denying the closure of even a simple “farewell”.
That being said, you might want to know what caused the other person to ghost you as a way to protect yourself in the future. So here are the most common reasons you find yourself being ghosted:
1) You feel in love with the idealized version of the guy
First off, you might not be falling for the guy himself, but an idealized version you’ve got in your head.
It’s like this – you’ve got this man with some great qualities. You guys connect on some cool levels, maybe mentally, maybe over shared interests like art. You’re into the same movies, and heck, you find him quite the looker. And because he’s got some traits you really dig, you start painting this perfect image of him in your head.
That’s one dangerous path to take, trust me. Just because a dude’s perfect on paper doesn’t mean he’s perfect for you. Those are two totally different things. It’s a leap to go from “he’s got great qualities” to “he’s right for me”. There’s a whole step in the middle where he chooses you. Where he says, yes, I want to be with you. If that’s missing, then he’s not ideal, period.
2) You’ve dropped your standards for the ex
Second, you might not be holding up your standards with the guys you like. See, it’s easy to have standards when you couldn’t care less if someone bails.
But when you’re really into a guy, that’s when you start jumping through hoops for them. Many women say they have principles when it comes to dating guys, but immediately make exceptions for dudes they like.
It’s important to hold on to your standards, especially around people you’re attracted to. Because when a guy sees you maintaining your standards, it makes you attractive. It’s what makes you someone he wants. He knows that around you, he has to be on his A game.
So no matter how hot a guy is, stick to your plan and principles and you’ll do great.
If a guy’s being abusive, don’t try to find him justifications. Don’t sit around dissecting it, you just leave.
When a guy tells you he’s not sure about what he wants, or doesn’t want a relationship with you, always take his word for it and leave.
Doesn’t matter if he’s handsome, doesn’t matter how deeply you connect, doesn’t matter if on paper he’s everything you want. His actions should meet your reactions.
3) You are over analyzing your actions
Third, you might be obsessing too much about your actions.
There are so many women who analyze every little thing about their date, what they’re doing at the moment, what they should text a guy etc.
Stop trying to make dating a game you can manipulate and just go with the flow. No matter how much you try to “fake it”, the person you date will eventually find out what kind of person you are.
So why bother pretending to be someone you’re not, when the other person will eventually figure out the truth and break up with you then?
And who knows, maybe he will like the “real” you way more than the “fake” you, you’re pretending to be.
4) You are moving too fast
Fourth, you might be rushing things. Another downside of liking someone a lot is that you wanna speed things up to get closer to them.
But that doesn’t let the courtship unfold naturally. This isn’t about how quickly you get intimate with someone. It’s about how much you invest emotionally and how soon.
If you invest too much too soon, a dude might worry that he hasn’t really earned his place in your life.
And if someone doesn’t feel like they’ve earned something, they don’t value it the same way.
5) You are falling for unavailable guys.
Number five, you might be going after unavailable guys.
It’s easy to understand the appeal of unavailable men. Short-term, unavailable men can seem fun and exciting.
You might even have a beautiful whirlwind romance for a bit. But it doesn’t mean long-term happiness is around the corner. If deep down you know they’re unavailable, you should opt for long-term happiness with someone who’s ready to give you their all, not a fleeting thrill with someone who only sees you as a chapter in their book.
So, the takeaways from all this are: no amount of effort with the wrong dude is going to make you happy. And when you do find someone who’s right for you, you need to fight certain instincts, let the attraction develop naturally and give it space to breathe.
If not, you might just end up smothering it before it’s even started.
6) You were too cold or distant
The last reason you may have been ghosted is not because you were too interested, but rather you acted too cold and distant towards the other person.
In modern dating, women in particular fall in this trap because they don’t want to be seen as too available or “easy”.
Many guys however are strongly put off by this and feel as if they are dismissed out of hand.
If you feel this is you, then the solution isn’t to swing the other way and overwhelm the other person with attention.
Instead, aim to be warm with the other person.
Warmth means a genuine smile in photographs, an open body language, and sincere conversations sprinkled with light humor rather than heavy sarcasm.
Warmth is seen when we graciously receive and give compliments, show genuine interest in our partner, and aren’t afraid to express enjoyment of their company.
How to do deal with ghosting
All of the reasons above explain why a guy (or girl) decides to ghost someone. However, the reasons above do not justify ghosting, because ghosting is done to actually hurt someone.
This is because ghosting feels like a punch in the gut. It hurts. It really does. You know why? Because it can make you feel worthless, like you don’t even matter. It’s as if you’re not even deserving of a simple explanation or a message back when you’ve reached out to someone. Ouch, right?
And here’s the thing, there are different versions of ghosting out there.
One version is when you reach out to someone you’ve been seeing, and they just disappear into thin air. No response. Nada. It feels like a massive rejection, doesn’t it? So, you don’t reach out to them again. I mean, who would blame you? It’s not cool, but it happens a lot more than we’d like to admit.
But wait, there’s another version of ghosting.
Imagine this: you reach out to someone, they don’t bother reaching back, and you start to worry.
You’re concerned about their well-being and all that jazz, so you decide to check in and say, “Hey, is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you.”
Now, that’s a different kind of ghosting. If they choose to ignore your genuine concern and leave you hanging, well, that’s a whole other level of ghosting. It’s like they’re consciously ignoring your confusion. Not cool, not cool at all.
Let’s be real here, neither version of ghosting is great. But that latter one, that’s the kind that really stings.
It’s a clear sign that this person is willfully dismissive of your feelings. I mean, come on, that’s just not right. They’re choosing to ignore your need for clarity, and that’s not something you should tolerate.
Now, if you’re in a situation where someone has ghosted you, and you find yourself feeling confused and lost, then try doing this to see if it can ease your pain:
Consider reaching out to that person and expressing your confusion.
Something like, “Hey, I’ve been really confused by the fact that I haven’t heard from you. Is everything okay?”
It’s a way for you to seek some clarity and let them know how their actions have affected you.
And you know what? If they still choose to ignore your message or not give you a proper explanation, well, that’s a red flag right there.
It tells you a lot about their character and how they handle relationships. Because now you know that this person ghosting you isn’t a one-time action, instead it’s a behavior and represents their character and who they are in day to day life.
You deserve better than that. If you can see on social media that they’re living their life and they’re definitely not dead (thank goodness for that), then you have your answer. It’s time to set them aside and move on.
Continuing to dwell on the situation, wondering what went wrong or what you did to deserve this, it’s just not healthy. It’s like scratching a wound that’s trying to heal.
Our minds can be tricky in situations like this, always trying to come up with stories and explanations. But sometimes, the simplest explanation is the true one. It’s Occam’s Razor.
Maybe this person just decided they didn’t want to continue or they couldn’t give you what you wanted. And instead of communicating like mature adults, they chose to take the easy way out and ignore you. Not cool, right?
Now, I know it’s tough when you start questioning your worth because of someone else’s actions. You might think, “How could they do this to me? We had something special!”
But here’s the truth.
Their behavior doesn’t define your worth. It defines their character. Remember, if someone is capable of ghosting you like that, even if they had feelings for you, it’s a trait they possess. And that’s not the kind of person you want to be with. Trust me on that one.
So, take a step back and see it for what it really is. It’s a reflection of how this person treats others, not just you. And that should be a major turn-off.
It should be a sign that you dodged a bullet. Don’t let their actions consume your thoughts and energy. You have so many other stories waiting for you, so many other paths to explore.
Life is short. Every hour is precious. So, choose wisely who you give your time and energy to. Surround yourself with positive people, with those who treat you right. Don’t waste your time trying to decipher the intentions and stories of someone who doesn’t deserve that much space in your mind.
You have the power to give yourself closure, to move on, and to live a fulfilling life. Don’t let the lack of closure from one person hold you back. Life doesn’t always give us the closure we want, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find it within ourselves.
Focus on the stories and people who truly matter, who bring joy and positivity into your life. Embrace new adventures, new connections, and leave that ghosting episode in the past where it belongs.